I’m finally back in the Soviet lands again, though I still feel as if I should have never left them in the first place. There is a sick sense that I have betrayed my country, and thus, I have failed my greater purpose in my life. Maybe fighting the war was all I thought that I could do?
Or maybe it was that I knew I would be good at it. Farming and killing… what a stupid coincidence.
If finally hit me that I’ve become Jan’s identical twin brother, and now I find myself scared. It was really grand when it first happened, and I thought that things couldn’t be better. Everything had felt so right, like that was the place I was supposed to be… much like standing at Jan’s elbow does. I was in a position that had been so ideal in my mind, and all my loneliness seemed to just… go away.
I can’t decide if the change made me lose some of my own identity. Seeing Jan’s family hugging, singing, and seeming so happy… I think I feel like I’ve lost out considerably. Momma and papa were never that close with Tatiyana and I. My sister and I were even less so close to each other… it was no wonder we didn’t just try to kill each other (I still want to see her married well though).
Despite becoming more physically like Jan, there seemed to me that I was still on the outside looking in. There’s… something missing. Maybe a big piece in some puzzle happened to go missing along the way, or maybe… we really were separated at birth.
We are so different from each other, yet… the same. Jan has a mark on his shoulder, and I don’t. Jan has these strange special abilities he can use on everyone, and I can’t say that I know of anything that happens when I do things. There is never a blue light like with Jan. Yong has powers too… maybe mine is that I look like Jan?
Now I just have to decide what I’m going to do with myself now that I’ve been returned to the Soviet Union. A very large part of me wants to get back to the war, to help my fellow countrymen to push off the German assault. I feel slightly ashamed that the other part of me wants to stay under Jan’s wing and try to figure out how that family of his works. I feel caught, but this is not something that anyone but myself can decide. I either leave, or I stay.
My duty… or my not-so-related-by-blood-but-look-alike brother? Do I leave the only comfortable feeling that I’ve had recently or do I stay and face all the questions the come along with that?
If I stay, Jan will want me to become something else. He had high expectations, higher than have ever been pushed on me before in my entire life. Papa let me get away with doing whatever I wanted, and I like it that way, but Jan… he holds me to some sort of standards of how to act, how to think, how to live my life.
Jan makes things so daunting. How can I climb a mountain that big when I’ve just been rolling over the easy hills of my life? What if I fail him? He’ll look down at me more than he must right now; someone as high-standing as him would never want a misbehaved peasant boy following him around.
Early morning of December 14th, 1941
Italics indicate flashback.
OOC: It should be noted that some flashbacks are from the Ryuusei Den novelization of Suboshi’s past. I do not always agree with how it is written, but it makes well for the character at this point.
How in the hell did I end up in Poland? Just a day or so ago I was scouring the streets of Tula looking for dirty Germans, and then out of no where this guy who looks like me (like identical or something) and a weird yellow man who keeps doing weird things shows up.
Now I’ve got no use of my left arm, and I’m stuck hiding out in Poland. I hate this place, and I don’t know why I’m here at all. Nothing has been explained to me, and I just want to get my hands on something that I can beat to get out my frustrations. I hate this bombed up town! I want to be home in Russia where I at least understand that language people are speaking!
The little yellow man (his name is Yong) keeps sleeping all the time. If I still had my gun, I could do something drastic, but I get the feeling beating him with the butt of a rifle would make things worse for me. Either way, Yong has these strange ability to warp his form. He can look alike anyone at any time. I think he might be driving me crazy, since people aren’t supposed to do that.
I don’t believe in magic and Stalin is the only good thing to look forward to. He promised to save the Motherland, and I believe him. These strange abilities make my head hurt, and… I’m scared. I don’t have special powers like Yong or… him. I’m not special like that, and I don’t want to be in Poland. I’m going to be executed for leaving my post, for abandoning my country to the Germans.
There is another guy I met. I think he’s the reason I’m actually in this mess, but I don’t have the heart to blame him. His name is Jan Ruszkowski. He has my face. It was the strangest thing I ever saw, but he seriously was walking around with my face on, though he looks older than me. I feel drawn to him, but now… he’s gone. I feel lonely without him, but that can’t happen! I’m independent and I don’t need anyone. Still... I bearly knew him, but it felt right to be aroun him. I think that is strange.
I still wish Jan were here. He was easy to talk to; he had powers too. How come Jan gets powers, and I get nothing at all? He’s probably back with his family now, since that was what he wanted in Poland.
I hate Poland. I hate Germans more, but Poland is ranking up there right about now. It burns me more that Germans occupy Poland, making it an even worse place to be.