I’m finally back in the Soviet lands again, though I still feel as if I should have never left them in the first place. There is a sick sense that I have betrayed my country, and thus, I have failed my greater purpose in my life. Maybe fighting the war was all I thought that I could do?
Or maybe it was that I knew I would be good at it. Farming and killing… what a stupid coincidence.
If finally hit me that I’ve become Jan’s identical twin brother, and now I find myself scared. It was really grand when it first happened, and I thought that things couldn’t be better. Everything had felt so right, like that was the place I was supposed to be… much like standing at Jan’s elbow does. I was in a position that had been so ideal in my mind, and all my loneliness seemed to just… go away.
I can’t decide if the change made me lose some of my own identity. Seeing Jan’s family hugging, singing, and seeming so happy… I think I feel like I’ve lost out considerably. Momma and papa were never that close with Tatiyana and I. My sister and I were even less so close to each other… it was no wonder we didn’t just try to kill each other (I still want to see her married well though).
Despite becoming more physically like Jan, there seemed to me that I was still on the outside looking in. There’s… something missing. Maybe a big piece in some puzzle happened to go missing along the way, or maybe… we really were separated at birth.
We are so different from each other, yet… the same. Jan has a mark on his shoulder, and I don’t. Jan has these strange special abilities he can use on everyone, and I can’t say that I know of anything that happens when I do things. There is never a blue light like with Jan. Yong has powers too… maybe mine is that I look like Jan?
Now I just have to decide what I’m going to do with myself now that I’ve been returned to the Soviet Union. A very large part of me wants to get back to the war, to help my fellow countrymen to push off the German assault. I feel slightly ashamed that the other part of me wants to stay under Jan’s wing and try to figure out how that family of his works. I feel caught, but this is not something that anyone but myself can decide. I either leave, or I stay.
My duty… or my not-so-related-by-blood-but-look-alike brother? Do I leave the only comfortable feeling that I’ve had recently or do I stay and face all the questions the come along with that?
If I stay, Jan will want me to become something else. He had high expectations, higher than have ever been pushed on me before in my entire life. Papa let me get away with doing whatever I wanted, and I like it that way, but Jan… he holds me to some sort of standards of how to act, how to think, how to live my life.
Jan makes things so daunting. How can I climb a mountain that big when I’ve just been rolling over the easy hills of my life? What if I fail him? He’ll look down at me more than he must right now; someone as high-standing as him would never want a misbehaved peasant boy following him around.